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I write what I want.  I would love to say I pandor to your tastes – you readers…you adorable readers   but I write what I want.  I would love to lick this notion I will stop causing myself a modicum of misery and just  ” get with it” acceptmy stations in life and get fucking happy about it ….or at least shut the fuck up and perhaps help you get yours or not but who cares so long as I stop hindering you day with my bullshit.  GET REAL.  you came here because I offer stuff many people read…and this includes even my foul whining.  f-ing self improvement  heh.

I went shopping and I did it again.

there’s the f-ing self improvement.

I have more wine, a new bedframe with head board, courtesy of IKEA $138 tax with slats.  I learned how IKEA is indeed a great idea because every product I picked up said made in Vietnam.  the next store will be african style made in Cuba and will also be the fucking rage.  I got the wine because I nearly through a wobbler and left because warehouse pickup  “self pick up” is nearly beyond my skills..as in patience… they do have wobbler patrol and car loading assistance just not too much as they cost cut.  thankfully I got assistance so I didn’t turn into an ass.

I will point out that the cafe serving up a simple not elaborate array of swedish type fare was delightful.  fish, swedish meatballs,ribs with a few sides and a loss leader breakfast for the early shoppaholics – the mash poatatoes are to die for delicious not just good, to die for delicious. the fish good with something akin to macdonalds hot mustard sauce  no. horseradish available.  the meatballs.. I’m make my own thanks- not that they aren’t tasty *they are.  the pancake mix… unbleached flour.  swedish pancakes?  get a box of gold medal man.  however befor you think me a food snob…and believe me I am supposed to be…I loved the tour!  but I didn’t miss everything.  okay the yellow carrots were rather secductive with the fish.

I consider the cattle process/carnival ride – serve yourselve at your own pace approach disconcerting. yes arrows of traffic and that’s like different.  I liked seeing and truly regret not trying the elderberry drink but am leary of popping for a juicy juice box that might be 4 dollars..might be, I didn’t see a price…I’m blind and failed to ask. I regret trying it but dinner was on others and no green light for anything and everything was lit.  I may return as that 4 or some hideous price box may be far  more a value than a 45 bottle of elderberry wine or some shite.  

I came home and made wine spritzers. and I think I’m moving to a pipe.  I know I need to ease my nasty ass habits or die.  but this doesn’t meanquit living to hang on 70 years bored butalso  it doesn’t mean die this year of an anerism I need to ease the stimulants.  I’m going grandfather in my 30′s if I can. I have no children let alone grand children and no wife which makes me cranky so I may have to randomly whack you with a stout cane.  it is not your fault which makes me feel better to offer you injustice.

I’m very willing to go with you to Ikeaagain beccause I was NOT in Vietnam.  I think the fucking bitch at the tobacco shop was just that, I paidgood money to show for her dickass needed sodomization for a friendlier her might have helped.  but the prices were acceptable…I put the plastic to it even if they were not.

I spen t the bulk of my day driving to jesus and back or sitting in a lawyers office reading

wh jackson / john feilder

colorado 1879 – 2000

a fucking cool ass coffee table book.  I’m not dead broke.  I have shit.  I ate good.

did I tell you about how to mix the nestea with the lingon berry drink?  mmmmm.  why? it’s fucking cranberry iced tea or about as close to it as you can come with what these damn foreigners thinks is living

did I mention f-ing self improvement.. screw it, be american and go buy something foreign.

I weighed  170.4 lbs at my last weigh in at the kingsoopers grocery store pharmacy by my mother’s

I was deemed no longer 5″9 at my kidney STUDY do up 2011 *I was about just under a centimeter of 5″9 anyways but to lose half an inch put me to 5’8

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it is NOT a challenge for me to lose weight because of diabetes.

I can not drink my belovable diet coke  or take  abcde combined together enriched products as  a 2 week tour of about a case of diet coke mmmmmm meant no vitamin d… which somehow means no insulin sensitivity or sugar control… 2 weeks of all the diet coke I want and I can very easily kill myself off in in a few months.  I’m STILL trying to bring my sugars down  and I did this last month.   abcddeproducts include multi-vitamins, slim fast or similar, ensure too oh and I like them both  especially the chocolate kinds…but the ensure strawberry is good while the slimfast one sucks..and the darkchocolate ensure is about as good as the slimast types.  this also means all energy drinks are o.u.t. out… diet or reguar which sucks because the amp diet grape/purple can is good.  obviously I tend to avoid the full sugar drinks because diet drinks will get me in a few months but realsugar will get me in a day or two… please notice that timing difference.

I’m back to walking regularly  interestingly enough if for no other reason than I chose not to mega shop on the first thus go collect my no no cigarettes and something to devour at the corner.  my corner has a smallerthan denny’s typemom and pop cafe/restaurant, papjohns macdonald’s and a blackeyed pea one corner the otherside is wendy’s and del taco, sorta one block down other corner is burger king, and the last corner is walgreens. 

it’s just over a 1/2 mile to this corner each way which makes for about 15 minutes if you hit it but in reality 10 minuteseach way walking.  this is good for 70 points mg/dL off my sugars if they’re stratospheric and harder to determine if I’m onmy sugar game .

yes daily  now marches to the walgreens

I tried to enjoy the nuke’em cheeseburgers

best I can remmber is 20 carbs, 400 calories off the top of my head.

I like the almost crisp  I guess you could say chewiness of the sesame bun…thebox is white now I believe and says NICE (brand)   and…  I couldn’t resist them both in thesame evening  and with allotting for theinsulin required still took a nap

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next day was  a jug of Fisheye wine pinot grigio

I had baseline insulin finally for this second day so I did NOT wake bus flattened afterward but a 10 hour sleep shows I’ve still overdone.

this stuff is listed mid sweet and is a white wine… it is lighter bodied to me than chablis as in the taste falls off faster.  it started sweet but later that night it was undetectable so that means I enjoyed it  …some   also it was fairly strong at 12% alcohol by volume – I am used to box wine being watered down/ half strength.

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I’m nearly set up to make

Sweet & Sour Nothing – savory “hushpuppy” type fry bread and vegetables yes deepfrying them bursts their colors  and the veg and seperately oven held fry bread so it’s got a crust and is hot ..- this is  so the veg can be combined into the sauce – a tamerind / red bell and garlic one,  and ladeled over the hot bread which can mean a crackle  at the table perhaps  and meant to be served over steamed or fried rice.

I have a spinach goat cheese pizza

fish enough for fish tacos

soup and crackers and this week to enjoy a few outtings to what’s close by

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now thefull hour of walking at aerobic  pace is 100 mg/dL off my sugars when high and otherwise harder to determine when actually on my sugar game.  again this is a fairly static bit of knowlege  thanks to a few years of lack luster attention at the gym, treadmill hiking step pacing for an hour is for me about 400 calories burned.

yes people it’s key to start understanding what the silly numbers mean in reality and NOW remember this is all approximate as we all burn food /calories at different rates all the time and vary widely enough between people too… there fore.  this is a ROUGH guildline to see closer to how you may reach your goals.  this isn’t scientific nor garunteed…

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of course, insulin instantly will allow me to GAIN weight which is likely more appropriate for me not you.  but I do not wish to. I want to be “healthy” even though it’s obvious I far more tired, thinner and in general NOT healthy.. I’m struggling to change this perception that me this thin and lose 20 here or there is very telling on my numbers work ups.  it also has gotten every person seriously to say that sure I’m supposedly beginning to be a greek god for looks because  we all know thinness is the new adonnis/aphrodite thing…but I will point out that it has not once gotten me laid nor a steady  date.  therefor it is tempting. it’s compliments, but it’s dangerous and just as foolish as thinking cigarette smoking makes me cool looking.

however, before you tell me to quit.  I can  for times now and always of course for periods of time – but it is a 17 some year habit now with only true illness that instantly leaves me to not smoke them or even want them or rare prolonged company helping me feel secure enough not to bother…which never lasts long as people’s praise is so fickle this way in life.
 I patently refuse to quit because they cost money or “kill me”  I can only conceive of quitting because they’re not what I want  and/or they no longer serve me

now before you say quit quit quit! they smell ewe gross and you’re worth it quit blah, remember that co enzyme q10 ‘s most lively source of potency that I’ve seen is?  tobacco leaf.  you do need coQ10 to absob I think it’s choline… and stay healthy while taking statin drugs which are to lower cholesterol.  also, just like caffeine, nicotine is a stimulant and very much part of how we  habit users conceive moments.  to quit means there will be times of confuion and reordering how we think.  coQ10won’t prolong life just as tobacco use won’t but it can in proper usage…smoking again isn’t considered such, make a profound improvement within the quality of life and potential factors of lessening or slowing onset of alzheimers.  of course killing myself  with bad habits even if potentially the chance existed that the product was/could have been healthy is difficult to sort out in the mind  why quit smoking to take a damn pill… I like smoking damn it.

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I like caffeine a lot too.  coffee, tea and sodas have it and while it never kept me from falling asleep damn it 0 I mean I tried the mountain dew  and limited sleep  and voila fell asleep at work. I was NO where shown to be risking diabetes by my numbers then or would for 5 years… so I was bummed this trick of normal quote people to have a pick me up which was not true for me stunk.

however, I have purchased half calf and de calf….yes you saw the spelling… I flew having a cup of regular coffee the next month…flew.  however this again flies also into the face of others and again I have difficulty being different than others…my whole house for instance smokes so if I quit its to no support.  if I buy decalf it’s to the dismay and no support of  the whole house.  this is the primary demotivational factor…lack of support  that is challenging to me.  of fucking course I can do it.  but why the fuck do I have to do it all alone, move out from my family to live alone so I feel empowered personally and live healthier too and of course but utterly broke with less safety net just to maybe succeed…alone.

back to caffeine- it’snot really necessary to me and sure as shit doesn’t help someone with high blood pressure.  but it tastes so good.  I do actually like coffee, I do like sodas  I don’t feel caffeine til I’mdamn near poisoned by it shaking  .  I try to have fun things to try and be excited about food and beverages and saying its the wimpy version sure as heck puts people off from listening.. I mean to the point I am better off shutting up – it’s like being excited about Odoulles’ amber non-alcoholic beer.  who cares nevermind.  by the way

odoulles is phenomenal for making a corned beef and cabbage roast…nothing! guinness, murphy’s, busch,  nothing comes close to this stuff for making the roastiness come off and not be beerie tasting or funky noted. 

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s, you begin to see my quandry, I can “fear” being further relegated out of life by giving up unhealthy type habits altogether and actually like them even if I shouldn’t “need them”  I can and do exercise but now it’s becoming clear the hold up in improving factors of health is me not the lack of drugs.  and no, while it seems I can do more, I have done the magic numbers alotting for  this or that but it fails there is no magic pill or syringe for choosing that second  yummy burger or counteracting the yummy but riotously caffeinated coffee etc..many times I am just rebelling against not wanting to be “different” but in a way this is unhealthy  in the extreme…and no I can’t just walk it all off, Sissy

so

the challenge is how to ease the issue of not wanting to be the different I am anyways and choose more healthy habits, I mean I wont walk 12 hours a day, Idoubt my feet could handle it for long lol that’s a bit too much living.  but I can do the more exercise and make continued better use out of what I do do.

how do you get yourself to believe it’s fucking okay to essentially be yourself?  now that’s  challenging. losing weight is easy….at least for me

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oh and if you want another surprise,  wait for me to share a healthy meal for one   if you’d be curious if I was into cooking not to garner your interest but for the true love of cooking   I mean I meal I put up just for me not for an army.  again to do something or I should say more somethings for just MY enjoyment.. I like of course to invent food… but often I cook only to hear well done..guess where I live?  in a land of no one giving a damn.

losing weight’s easy gcaring for me is challenging. 

would you like a chocolate martini now?

I make a fine peahced latte too.

I could be usefull

go ahead and peer into me lil set of complexes this life

self image is a challenge, if you wanna lose weight, ask around the black market for lasiks, a wickedlypowerful water pill which you must watch your potassium levels to not imballance that for heart attack and also kill yourself due to exertion/dehydration.  if you want to lose weight, careful of things that pack it on like steroids given so you don’t die of asthma , or cry yourself to death in pain yet wow! you pack on a house of weight, if you want to lose weight, there is 3500 calories in a pound of human fat. and there are 8.3 lbs within a gallong of water – so doing simple math says you’ll walk off that pound of fat after 9 hours of hiking  but you’ll not notice that actual loss until you balane out the waters in you so you didn’t dehydrate during exercising as you’ll lose a quart or 2 pounds of water an hours sweating alone.   water is very key and nothing about weightloss is swiftly achieved as you’re body hates change…. but it’s mechanically as in physically very easy to acheive  situations where you can ATTACK weight. 

it is far harder to change your mind or at least for me it is

Well rounded cup featuring chocolate, citrus & toasted almond notes  it doesn’t lie excepting it doesn’t like taste like a hershey’s with almonds  lol more like  a toasty toast but these notes are true.

magnum classic – begian chocolate o’er luscious ice cream – in this colorado area… walgreens or old lady land.

yes, there are yummies available

archer farms spinach and goat cheese pizza. 

get the hint I want to hear “mm”‘s?  

ye AHH like Janis now  COME ON and Take IT.

there are assholes who bitch there’s just a swallow in the milk jug and coffee in the cupboard.  you know these assholes who try to take a lil piece of your heart.  you may even love them , let’s not now discuss your sanity.  lets shake it like the good people we are.  come on come on come ON TAKE IT! and shake shit out of it. take that last swallow with the legs of the rum and swirl the coffee crema up into a heart.

http://coffeeinfo.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/heart_latte_art.jpg%3Fw%3D380

each sip is a piece of your heart.

(the following is anwe.  if you do not have a god damn clue what I’m on…other than the obvious rum and coffee…just be glad I make better food and beverages than many… I’m helpful to have aroung)

I went shopping because …apparently I’m a girl at heart…I say this so dry your merlot will shut your damn mouth til you laugh   I hit the 130′s todays with sugar for the first time in months – I have proper medication.  this was despite unit after unit of novologue to combat alay the sugars coming.  trust me.  sliding scale says sugars will rise from 80-120 mg/dL sugar/glucose to 320-380  or 200-350 mg/dl per 39g carbs.  *a can of coca cola* ** coke is it…if, I’m not careful, literally**

so I start out- collecting my insulin not included with my meds pick up friday.  all smooth I bring paper and that is to show it filled and thus paid for.. collect my aerosol cream 2.89 when all flavored same saids were 1.99 cuss I need non-flavoreds a spinach goat cheese pizza and some el savadorian whole bean now 10 oz but on special at 6.56.

I return home and mom’s visiting… minor cussings over this or that one in a hurry elsewhere but mom bought us a vitamix. a 48 oz dark red machine more powerful than hers which may be up to speed for hummus but let’s face solid reality the very first thing out of it’s likely a boozy cocktail in a machine able to crush ice.

SWEET

despite the lack of seeming yays at the time, I instantly put the recipe book in the three ringer binder together  as I actually do give a shit that’s a fabulous luxury caddila blender.

pardon me a few mm’s over this tombstone dirt cheap pizza slice swiped hey 24 hour leftovers left – snooze you lose.

now to food.  we end up going to food and an errand which turns out to be rentaceter  oh hey cool big lots i want a paper towell dispenser damn it – I have  an actual paper towel budget and no dispenser   I got one it’s metal red and matches the vitamix some 7 buck.
  off to? taco bell?

taco of the bell.  you know since they started sporting the commericals for the catina bowls and such and just a tad before — their food is becoming tasteless sorta as in perhaps! lower in salt actually healthy for ya sorta – remember outside of salt content Taco Bell has traditionally been the ONLY fast food chain that is actually good for you with a variety of selections.  yes a good for you fast food joint..scary.
 again the mom’s getting free lunch and ouch my turn  but lol.  tostada, two chicken soft tacos and the side of pico de gallo?  mmm yes it’s light that pico and with the chicken  filling is so light you could spash some red wine vinegar in there brightening it up mm ish to the max and suck down a single serve of blush…yes that good.

after this is a trip to relive us us the worker sis to work  and to serious shopping.

my first stop is olive oil.  cooking olive oile.  and the closest store is sunflower markets for something under the typical arm and leg for said.  they fucking didn’t have any.  a 9 brand selection of 6.99 ish a quart evoo eff that you can’t cook with evoo. you can fatten a lot of things up but you DONT cook with evoo.

I got a couple of funcky shaped red bells as in you can not stand them up in a casserole and stuff them with rice and beef but I’ll sort that out and they were 77 cents? RIGHTEPUS!  garlic, carrots, and a mexican grey squash added to the onions I have may do up the usual suspects for sweet and sour nothing .  I also got a quart of expeller pressed  oooo they all are canola oil 0 which means in short the stuff isn’t cold pressed and I probably shouldn’t have bought it.
 a cucumber and a bottle of stone ground dijon mustard and a baguette with a bag of limes rounds out the purchases.

next ug mom bought refrigeration needed swiftly food.  so my outting is compounded with a trip to her house to not waste food. 

off to office whatever/whichever for a huge clip for to mount to the mailbox lid for outgoing mail and stickers to say who lives here.  and a compas to like circle sweeter

after mom’s and some computer  look overing…have you ever had a computer issue that disappears when the repair man shows?  poor mom

check my sugar and adjust and re ice the insulin

home depot.

I got a nifty white bottomed globe light a very simple fixture for the porch that currently has a globeless fixture a few electrical outlets to fix the lose ones that hardly work and a weather better one for the busted  one outside. 

I come home to my brother a glass of wine into feeling poetic and long winded..  fisheye pinot gris.

it’s chablis light and rhine is chablis heavy and chardonnay doesn’t fucking count or exist the nasty shit.

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ahh shopping

I was of course 2 hours longer than I wanted to be which was the pie I was to be making for delivery tonight.  now tomorrow… oh well mom’s first not the neighbor.

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 never let the facts ruin a good story

ovalTIN (what you get stamped with if you get hit by a FORD…blue oval…says ford..they ain’t making ‘em like they used to?)

I made the dog’s favorite drink – literally rum peach seltzer and pineapple orange.

pie-eyed, I mean it’s an old expressionfor drunkeness… why waste a good pie and I swear most enebriateds are usually wincing in the light did I miss the sarcasm again?

I was defeated in the search for soup today.  I turned down the soup de jour and was vindicated that it was like chicken with rice broth with milk and clams for a “chowder”

thus that gyros sandwich with additional toblerone mmmmm meant?  you didnt want to see my sugar numbers 

in my defense, I did get a salad instead of fries.